1.) None of them were Mousketeers. Although, they did enjoy a stint as Gary Coleman's stunt double of "Dif'frent Strokes."
2.) They don't dance down the halls of their high school half-naked. And that's not just because they don't go to high school. You see, if they did go to high school, they would run down the halls COMPLETELY naked.
3.) They're not about to buy into the American dream of record sales through plastic surgery. They don't believe in the system of capitalism that we Americans hold dear. No, this isn't because they're hippies. It's because they're Canadian. It would be silly for them to want to achieve the American dream, wouldn't it? I mean, hell, that's like saying the Backstreet Boys are trying to buy into the German dream of record sales through the complete destruction of their enemies and the heartless massacre of all innocent bystanders.

So meet Kittie: An all-female, teenage, Canadian, heavy metal band that are better looking than the Beatles. Well, except Ringo. But he's the worthless Beatle, so he doesn't count. They hail from some remote fishing tribe of eskimos in London, England, Ontario, Yellow, Moose, Maple Syrup, Eh, Canada (note: for you Americans that don't understand, London, England, Ontario, Yellow, Moose, Maple Syrup, Eh, Canada is one place; it just has a very long name since it's made up of districts).

Kittie began in the early 1990's, when music was cool and all the teenybopping boy groups were beaten up. When Nirvana ruled the land with an iron fist and not bathing was a sign of how cool you were. When the youth of the world slacked off and unemployment was up to 80% because that's the way people wanted it to be. When underwear became edible and MTV actually showed music videos. But I digress: Kittie started when Mercedes Lander and Fallon Bowman met at a gymnastics class. Somehow, in some way, by someone, the two of them started having jam sessions together in the basement of the Lander household: with Mercedes on drums and Fallon on the guitar.

One day, probably while doing the laundry, Mercedes' older sister Morgan decided to jam with them. So she grabbed her guitar and the trio started doing Nirvana and Silverchair covers. The Nirvana covers were to please the Nirvana Gods and not incur the wrath of the Almighty Cobain. The Silverchair covers were just for fun.

Ah, but no band is complete without a bassist. Except the Doors, but they're a special exception. Morgan, Mercedes, and Fallon looked high and low before finding one. But then the bassist (I've never found out her name) quit after two weeks for unknown reasons. But I've heard it was due to a venerial disease.

Enter Tanya Candler. She met all the requirements that were needed to join Kittie: She was Canadian, a girl, a bassist, and her dad had a van to take them all to gigs and stuff.

So, armed with Tanya, Kittie battled the bands of Canada and defeated them one by one. The heads of their conquered foes would be dragged on stage and forced to bite the naughty bits of a male blow-up doll. But soon the heads decayed and Tanya assumed the naughty bit biting.

Somewhere around this time, I'm assuming, Kittie entered a "Battle of the Bands" contest. They lost. But they did get the attention of some guy from Artemis Records.

Thus, they recorded their third record (but the first to be offered to the mainstream), "Spit." But soon tragedy struck: Tanya decided she didn't want to be in the band anymore! Reasons for this are uncertain but some rumors I've heard are that 1.) She was scared of the growing attention Kittie was getting, 2.) Her dad traded the van for a crappy German car and she was kicked out, 3.) She choked to death on the naughty bit of a blow-up doll; but it you listen to the night wind on the evening of a full moon, you can hear her biting and choking and hacking and coughing and throwing up and, ultimately, falling down with a loud "thump."

To counter this loss, Mercedes won Talena Atfield on a television game show. They found Talena could play the guitar so they bought her a bass and told her to play that, instead.

Kittie achieved success quite quickly. They've toured with such big name bands as Sevendust and Slipknot. They've appeared on such big name shows as "The Conan O'Brian Show" and "Later." Their video is played semi-regularly on late-night MTV. And they've rocked the mullets off of countless drooling stoners on the second stage at the grand-pimp of all heavy metal festivals: Ozzfest.

But, alas, Fallon left the band sometime in 2001. Reasons are unclear. But my sources tell me she contracted ebola and lost her arms in a subway station in New Mexico. If anyone has found her arms, please contact Artemis records immediately.

And Kittie's second mainstream album, "Oracle," has just hit record stores.

That's all I can think of. I'm tired. I'm going to bed now.