Me: Wow. Here I am, with the band Kittie. This rules.

Morgan: The pleasure's all yours. Hee hee.

Mercedes: Let's hurry this up, we're going to meet cool people in ten minutes.

Me: I'm not cool?

Mercedes: Look at you! I've seen science teachers I'd rather hang out with.

::I start to cry, but realize it would make me look like a sissy. Then I realize I am a sissy but stop crying anyway::

Me: Even though you've been asked this a thousand times, can you give me a brief history of how Kittie was formed?

Morgan: Fallon and Mercedes met in a gym class . . .

Me: I don't buy that story. Tell me the REAL way you all met.

::all the girls get scared and look at each other::

Morgan: Well, all right. Kittie was originally five guys in drag doing Nirvana cover tunes. Mercedes and I used to let them sleep in our basement. Mercedes and Fallon met when Fallon suffered a career-ending injury in Calgary Stampede Wrestling. See, Fallon was a professional wrestler ever since she was seven. She was called "Furious Fallon the Forthright" and had leopard-print underwear.

Mercedes: I really liked her underwear.

Morgan: So, Fallon, Mercedes, and I hung out with the original Kittie. They taught us how to play rap songs with heavy metal instruments.

Fallon: Which is the only reason we covered that song by that stupid wench, Da Brat.

Morgan: So, then, the original Kittie members all died on the same day. It was strange.

Mercedes: It was something out of, "This Is Spinal Tap." The drummer was pretending to give oral to his drum stick, choked and died.

Morgan: Which is the story behind our song "Choke." Heh.

Mercedes: The two guitar players thought they were Cheech and Chong, so they walked around London, Ontario quoting their movies and mouthing off to people. A group of kids beat them to death with their own bicycles. Our dad accidentally ran over the bass player with the lawnmower. And the singer was mutated into a jelly-like substance by a radioactive alien wizard. We aren't sure why, but we are sure that he went great with a Pop Tart.

Morgan: So after they all died, we had all this stuff that said "Kittie" on it. So we decided to start a band. Originally, we called it Radio Shack Loitering. But everyone got confused when they saw all our stuff said Kittie.

Mercedes: Then, after two bass players, we got Talena, the record contract, the album, and the other stuff.

Me: What a great story. You overcame adversity and conquered your demons! Kudos to you. Now, how would you describe your sound?

Morgan: Pez dispensers being thrown against porno magazines.

Mercedes: Allen Ginsberg meets a toaster.

Fallon: Glittery military anthems.

Talena: . . .

Me: So, why are you so angry?

Morgan: Because we're middle class. All middle class kids think it's cool to be rebellious and evil.

Mercedes: Yeah, you know, it's kind of like, you know, being a kind of different kind of person. It could be a rebellious action, cause you know, everyone dinks around in Satanism and drugs and prostitution. Except us, though.

Me: You're straight-edge?

Fallon: Yes, and no. We don't do drugs but we're not straightedge.

Me: How does that work?

::Fallon kicks me in the shin::

Me: Ow!

Fallon: Next time you're going out the window, you pencil necked geek.

::I back the chair away from her::

Me: Uh . . . heh . . . I, um . . . well . . .

::a really old guy in a leather jacket comes in the room::

Me: Wait, is that . . .

Morgan: It sure is.

Me: That's . . .

Kittie: THE FONZ!

Fonz: Heeeeeey.

::Fonz gives big thumbs up::

Fonz: Hey, Kittie. Hey, Mrs. L, Mr. L.

Mrs. Lander: Hello, Arthur.

::Mr. Lander looks up from his newspaper, he has a very annoyed look on his face::

Mr. Lander: Hi, Fonzie.

Mercedes: We met him at a supermarket. He was doing an autograph session and I was, like, "Hey, you want to come on tour with us?" And he was, like, "Yeah, okay." And then . . . like, the next day, he showed up at the bus and that was it. Yeah.

Morgan: I didn't think Mercedes was serious at first but then it was all, "Um, okay."

Fonz: Okay!

::Fonz gives another big thumbs up::

Fonz: Anyone wanna see me jump my motorcycle over Slipknot?

Kittie: Sure!

Morgan: After we're done with this interview, that is.

Fonz: Heeeeeeeey. The Fonz understands your plight.

::Fonz leaves::

Me: So, are you flattered that most of your fans want to jump your bones?

::blank looks all around, Mr. Lander turns red and steam comes out of his ears::

Morgan: Well, it's flattering and all, but only if they treat us as a human being first. But if they treat us as human beings and not objects but they're big, ugly, fat, and really hairy, then . . . well, just "ew."

Fallon: Yeah, we all have our cult followings, like the kids at the Rocky Horror Picture Show; only not as stupid and sheep-like.

Morgan: In our early days, it was pretty bad. Our second bassist, Tanya, had this really insane group of stalkers. It got so bad that she went crazy and now thinks she's Queen Uterus of the Icarii Jungle Yaks. It was a really sad day when we parted with her.

Me: What happened to your first bassist?

Mercedes: She was just a bitch.

Me: So do you worry about Talena being stalked a lot?

::Talena gets embarrassed and look away::

Morgan: No; you see, the fans are too stupid to get past her looks. They only see her as a piece of meat to be pounded and violated in the most degrading and pleasurable way imaginable.

Mercedes: But once they talk to her, their immature fantasies are crushed when they realize she's a lesbian.

::Talena slouches lower in her chair, staring straight ahead::

Me: Well, she has that big internet following. That's got to be a concern.

Morgan: It's not. Luckily, 99% of people on the internet are fat, stupid, insecure, and/or lazy. So she's pretty safe.

Me: What do you think of all the web sites about you?

Mercedes: PENIS!

Morgan: Eh . . . I like them.

Me: Even the ones that just write "I like Kittie," throw in a picture of two that they stole, and give it a really ugly colored background?

Morgan: Um . . . Yeah, the kids are having fun, the fans, whatever. And as long as we see they're having a good time, it's great.

Fallon: And most of them are really good. We seem to have fans that have no social lives, so they spend a lot of time with that html thing.

Me: Yeah. I guess I'm just bitter that I don't have a life and I still haven't gotten the hang of html. I CAN'T EVEN GET FRAMES TO WORK!!!!! ARGHH!!!!

Morgan: Yeah, your site is pretty lame. Why are we even talking to you?

Me: Um . . . I gave you free donuts.

Morgan: Oh, yeah.

Me: So what's your schooling situation?

Morgan: We all finished school. What your retarded Americans don't realize is that Canadians are smarter than you.

Fallon: But that goes for all other countries. Except Poland.

Morgan: But Poland is a lot nicer. Anyway, in Canada we only have 8 grades. But our totalitarian educational system forces us to learn college level subjects by the time we reach puberty.

Me: I didn't understand a word of that.

Morgan: My point is proven.

Me: You're mean.

Morgan: And you're American.

::everyone laughs at me::

Me: All right, fine. Soooo, anyway, how do you describe your image?

Mercedes: We subscribe to the Sprite commercial theory, "Image is nothing. Thirst is everything. Obey your thirst."

Morgan: Except we say, "Image is nothing. Music is nothing. Obey our songs." Clever, no?

Me: You should say, "Image is nothing. Sex is everything. Obey your . . . "

Morgan: Shut up. Seriously.

Me: Sorry . . . What was touring with Slipknot and Sevendust like?

Morgan: They were both really cool.

Fallon: The guys from Sevendust are really good at knitting sweaters.

Me: Really?

Fallon: Yeah. And the drummer makes the best chocolate chip cookies I've ever tasted.

::Mrs. Lander coughs::

Fallon: The second best, I mean.

::everyone laughs, except me because I'm American::

Mercedes: Honestly, though, it was great because in both bands the guys are all around 30. So there was no sexual tension or anything.

Morgan: Plus, the majority of both bands are married.

Fallon: And the ones that aren't married are impotent.

Me: And both bands begin with the letter "S."

Mercedes: And they're going to beat you up and steal your girlfriend.

Me: I have a girlfriend? I mean, hey!

Morgan: Any other questions?

Me: Are you going to tour with any other chick bands?

Morgan: After we're done with the fascism known as Ozzfest, we'll see.

Me: Are any of you currently dating anyone?

Morgan: We're not going to answer that just to torture everyone. Every lonely 17-year-old virgin across the internet would be heartbroken if they found out we wanted to be happy, instead of waiting around and becoming lonely old women.

Me: You have a long way to go before that, though. You're still in your teens.

Mercedes: Well, thanks for pointing that out to us.

Me: Why are you so mean? I've always read that you're nice.

Mercedes: It's because you're ugly, you're boring, you've insulted us constantly on your web site, and you smell like cheese. Plus, it's that time of the month.

Me: Oh. Darn. Well, if it seems like I'm making fun of you, I'm not. It's like when Tom Green makes fun of his friends on his show. Except you're not my friends and you'll most likely forget about me ten seconds after I leave the room.

::I wipe a tear from my eye::

Me: Okay, only a few more questions. Would you ever date a fan?

Mercedes: No.

Fallon: I just don't know, I wouldn't do it.

Me: Who would you date then?

Fallon: Someone who had never heard of Kittie. Like a photographer or a painter.

Me: You mean, someone with no job who would live off your money, pretend to be a genius artist who thinks the rest of the world is stupid, and who would try to romance you like a cheesy French film?

Fallon: That's about right.

Me: Did I mention I'm a poet?

Fallon: You mean that "roses are red, violets are blue" thing?

Me: No, no, I write neo-Beatnik rip-offs.

Fallon: Yeah, well, you're still ugly.

Me: Curses.

Fallon: Besides, poets are creepy and stupider than people on the internet.

Me: So, what bands do you listen to a lot or what are the bands that influence you?

Morgan: I like the Bay City Rollers, Donny Osmond, and the Partridge Family. But the Backstreet Boys are my greatest influence. I sing like A.J.

Mercedes: I listen to everything from Def Leppard to Motley Crue. It's a wide spectrum.

Fallon: I like the Village People and other disco bands. All that glitter! >giggle<

Talena: . . .

Me: You've been on quite a few late-night television shows here in the States. Since I have no access or interest in Canadian television, I haven't checked out your Canuck appearences. So, I guess, did you enjoy your American television appearances?

Morgan: That made no sense.

Me: All right, let me re-phrase it. Was Cynthia Garrett from "Later" the stupidest person you've ever met?

Morgan: Next question.

Me: Darn. What's with all the Britney Spears references? In your press bio, on Conan, etc.

Morgan: I met Britney Spears once. She was stripping to a band that was opening for us. This was in between her Mickey Mouse Club thing and her first album. Somehow, we ended up talking and she started screaming about how her breasts were bigger than mine. I was, like, "All right, sure." I didn't really care. She ended up throwing a beer bottle at me. I managed to duck and Fallon and I beat the crap out of her.

Mercedes: I would've helped but I was having flashbacks from the time I auditioned for the Mickey Mouse Club.

Me: You wanted to be on the Mickey Mouse Club?

Mercedes: Yeah. I met Britney at the auditions. My mom beat up her mom. It was cool.

Me: So you all have a grudge against her?

Morgan: No. It's not a grudge. After all, we're in the lead. It's more of a general disgust mixed with homicial hatred.

Me: Makes sense. Well, what about Courtney Love?

Morgan: She's a very strong female figure . . .

Me: That's b.s. Tell the truth.

Morgan: We're really, really scared of her.

Me: Don't be ashamed. Everyone is.

Fallon: Talena and I once saw her tear apart the guys from Godsmack. All by herself. Tore them to shreds.

Me: Yikes. Would you ever make appearences on ECW or Howard Stern? They've both used your songs in promos.

Fallon: I want to go to ECW and tear Steve Corino a new appendik.

Me: You have to be an ECW fan to understand that one.

Mercedes: But, yeah, Fallon is ready to get back in the ring and once again become the heavyweight champion of the world.

Fallon: Grrrr!

Morgan: Howard Stern would be cool, too. Although, it would be kind of scary.

Me: Because he's a perverted old man and you're hot looking jailbait?

::I laugh, no one else does, I stop and look sad::

Me: Coal Chamber would've laughed at that joke . . .

Morgan: BASTARD! HOW DARE YOU!

::Morgan punches me in the face, I fall over in the chair::

Me: All right, all right! I'm sorry! I won't say anything like that again!

::I get back up, Fallon slaps me for good measure::

Me: Ow! Sorry . . .

Talena: Idiot.

Me: Wow. This f'n rules.

Morgan: Why?

Me: I was beaten up by Kittie! Whoo!

Morgan: Weird . . .

Me: So, I saw my friend Chris hitting on you earlier. Did you enjoy that?

Mercedes: Is he the guy that went "So, what do your boyyyyyyfriends think when you go on tooooooour? You don't haaaaaaaaaaave boyfriends? Thaaaat's good to knooooooooooow"?

Me: Yeah. He's a cool guy.

Mercedes: He was an idiot! A complete and total idiot!

Me: What? That line usually works. He's got the charisma and charm to pull it off.

Mercedes: He's got acne on his butt and hair on his nipples!!!

Me: Wow, you saw that? He must have really charmed you.

Mercedes: I was kidding! We all laughed him out of the arena. I'm just glad everyone in America aren't as stupid as you two!

Me: That's odd. You Canadians have a warped sense of taste. What do you do when not rehearsing or playing?

Mercedes: I'm an exhibitionist.

::giggles from the girls::

Morgan: Yeah, she's quite the exhibitionist. We'll just leave it at that.

Mercedes: Want to see?

::Mercedes takes off her clothes, the rest of Kittie follows, then they have a group org . . . I suddenly wake up::

Morgan: Are you on drugs or something?

Me: Me? No . . . I, uh . . . er, I was just, heh, thinking of something.

Talena: We can see that.

::she points, I look down, I quickly use the interview cards to cover my erection, the girls laugh at me::

Me: All right, all right, calm down.

Morgan: No way; that was hilarious.

Me: I bet it's not the first time something like that has happened.

Morgan: Yeah, that's true.

::they stop laughing::

Me: So, before the whole Kittie thing, what bands did you obsess over?

Morgan: We never obsessed over bands. Our superior Canadian minds are too sophisticated for that.

Me: That's too bad. Obsessing is fun. For me, it's you, Rasputina, and David Bowie.

Morgan: Rasputina?

Me: Yeah. It's three girls who play cellos instead of guitars. It's great, great stuff.

Morgan: I should look into that band.

Me: I'll send you a tape. Sound cool?

Morgan: Sounds very cool.

::Morgan writes her address on a piece of paper and hands it to me::

Morgan: You're not going to post my address on your web site, are you?

::pause, I look down in shame and hand the paper back::

Me: Curses . . .

::someone runs in::

Random guy: Everyone! Come quick! Fonzie crashed his motorcycle into a group of Bruce Springsteen fans!

Morgan: Is Fonz okay?

Random guy: Yeah, he's fine. But the Springsteen fans are hurt pretty badly.

Mercedes: Whatever. No one cares about them, anyway.

::the guy leaves::

Me: So, Fallon, did you know your last name means "Freddy Mercury impersonator" in French?

Fallon: You're making that up, aren't you?

::I hang my head in shame::

Me: Yeah. I got nothing. All my cards are used up . . .

::silence for about fifteen minutes, Talena coughs once or twice, everyone else just looks around, they're all waiting for me to leave, I'm trying to think of another question::

Me: Ah, ha! What do you . . . no, wait, that's not a good one . . .

::more silence::

Me: So, Kids In The Hall. It's good. Right?

Morgan: Yeah.

Fallon: Good show.

Me: Reeeeaaaaally good show.

::again, more silence::