Dear (name withheld),

"Where, oh, where to begin?" I've asked myself this question at least forty times in the past three minutes. The only proper response I can muster at this time is "Eat poo, you commie!" But, being the paragon of inanity that I am, I feel that such a reply would be considered a cop-out by my legions (or so I delude myself into thinking) of adoring Million-ites. Thus, I have decided to answer your e-mail in the same manner you addressed it in: the style of the "Talena Is Dead" section. Only slightly modified in order to suit my purposes. In other words, your points will be in green, whereas my counter-points will be in regular color. Excelsior!

Point: TALENA ATFIELD IS NOT DEAD U F***ING Q****!
Counterpoint: Yes, she is. You foolish cretin.

Point: SHE WAS PLAYING PUPPETS WITH MERCADIES(OR HOWEVER THE F*** U SPELL HER NAME) A**HOLE!
Counterpoint: The reason I enjoy this letter so much is because you managed to confuse me by the second sentence. Usually, it takes four or five until I have to question a person's sanity. Talena's not dead because she was playing puppets with "Mercadies?" (And the ending to her name is "dies;" further proof that Talena is, indeed, dead. But I'll make up more on that later. Unless I forget and this is the only mention of it.) The meaning of this sentence still escapes me, but I've managed to come to the realization that Talena has found a way to escape death by playing puppets with "Mercadies." Egads! Do you know what this means? Immortality for all! Tell your neighbors! Call your uncles! Telegraph your brothers-in-law! Play puppets with "Mercadies" and live forever! Hoo-wah!

Point: SO STOP TRYING TO CONVINCE PEOPLE THAT TALENA IS DEAD!
Counterpoint: I'm merely trying to tell people the truth. I guess that, even though you want the truth, you can't handle the truth!!! Ha ha ha! Jack Nicholson's got nothing on me.

Point: PEOPLE THESE DAYZ ARE NOT THAT GROSS TO CARRY AROUND A DEAD BODY TO KITTIE CONCERTS AND S*** LIKE THAT.
Counterpoint: If people are gross enough to drool over Cameron Diaz's Spider-Man-imprinted buttocks in that disgrace of a motion picture "Charlie's Angels," then it is by no means a stretch of the imagination to picture people carrying Talena's corpse to Kittie concerts. 'Nuff said.

Point: SHE WEARS BLACK CAUSE ITS HER FAVORITE COLOR. I WEAR BLACK TOO,
Counterpoint: Well, that probably means you're dead, as well.

Point: I TALK ABOUT DEATH ALOT TOO,
Counterpoint: Further proof that you, too, are dead.

Point: I GET INTERRUPTED ALOT TOO.
Counterpoint: Oh, my stars and garters! You must be dead, too! You've proven it yourself.

Point: DOES THAT MEAN I'M DEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.
Counterpoint: Well, you are dead. So your thoughts don't mean much. But, hey, being a supporter of the American judicial system, I believe in the old addage "Innocent until proven guilty." And even though you've already proven yourself deceased, I suggest one final trial in order to solidify these findings. First, find the nearest wall. Found one yet? Good. Now, stand up. Are you standing? Excellent. Finally, run as fast as you can into the wall. If you pass through it, you're dead. If you don't, you're alive. Simple, no?

Point: SO STOP TYPING ALL THIS HORSE S*** AND START MAKING USE OF UR F***IN' TIME RETARD.
Counterpoint: I assure you, madame, that I'm doing a service to the world at large. Honest. We can't let all those evil celebrities get away with pulling the wool over our eyes, can we? Heck no! I am fighting back for the common man! And I can think of no better use for my time than that. So there. You fairy.

Sincerely,
Trenton Chaynes