Dear Madame Fallon,

I'd like to begin this e-mail by inviting you to visit my site. Put your feet up, take a look around, drink your favorite beverage, and get comfy. And if you don't feel like doing that, my site is a good way to kill a few minutes in between the commercial breaks for the hit television show "Kids in the Hall." See, I know my Canadian culture. The address is http://dolphin-skull.tvheaven.com. It'd probably be a good idea to visit it now, since by the end of this e-mail you'll have wished my fetus was aborted before I ever had the chance to see the mock sunlight of a hospital ward.
Seriously, though, that first paragraph was added after I completed the e-mail. This part was added afterwards, too. Very "Twilight Zone," no? Oh, and by the way, despite the (edit)-induced address, my site IS a Kittie site. A fan site, nonetheless. Although, that's been in dispute for the past few days. But I swear of the River Styx that it's a fan site. Those others are just jealous of my superior Andy Kaufman-ish brand of humor! The curs! Oh, yeah, this part was added after the e-mail was finished, too. I warn you: I have a tendency to ramble and stumble off topic. Sorry. It's scared many a Kittie webmaster. But I've honed my skills and tempered my humor into an e-mail worthy of a letter to Santa Claus himself! Unless you're Jewish, in which case it's an e-mail worthy of um . . . your local rabbi. Oh, and if you're Moslem if worthy of Muhammad. And if you fall under the miscellaneous religions (paganism, wiccan, catholicism), then you can dedicate my e-mail to whomever your little heart desires. And this was also added after the e-mail was finished. Here's the beginning (sorry for the length, but I deplore editing things).
As a wise man once said, "There are three things to be done with a woman . . . you love her, suffer for her, or turn her into literature." Truer words, never spoken. What's my point, you ask? Well, the answer is that I don't have one. I just liked that book and that quote stuck out. Plus, the other introduction I had involved Puff the Magic Dragon and the song about sodomy in the movie "Meet the Feebles."
Side note: as I wrote that, I remember a story someone told me of when Sting (during the days of The Police) pulled a knife to the drummers throat and threatened to kill him. I just thought it was funny. You should do that. Like, out of nowhere, just throw someone into a wall.
I really like Kittie. Kudos to you for being in this band. I was one of those posers who jumped on your bandwagon after the MTV special. I feel so dirty. So very, very dirty. Not because of you, but because MTV is pathetic. They're so desperate for ratings that they show Total Request Live twice a day. TWICE!!!! Who the hell watches that show TWICE a day? Ugh. I hope Carson Daly dies, goes to Hell, and Satan himself kicks Daly in the groin everyday for the rest of eternity. I'd watch THAT twice a day.
I thought your cd was going to be some second rate Slayer type crap (I mean, let's face it, Slayer sucks). Imagine my surprise when I found out your band was actually good! Heh. I'm just kidding. Your band isn't that good.
I'm kidding! That time I really was. I promise. I do like Kittie. I like Kittie to the point where they could make a sequel to "Single White Female" with my Kittie fascination. Except they'd title it "Boring Ugly Virgin." And it would star that Quasimoto midget from Saturday Night Live (as me, not Kittie). The only problem I have with your band is the cover to the album. The fact that the Kittie logo is on the side bugs the hell out of me. Had it been centered, it would've looked nicer. But nooooo. It had to be sawing into Talena and Morgan's heads.
I also really like the heavy metal version of Paperdoll. 'Tis a shame it wasn't on the album. But I downloaded it, so I'm all set. OH!!!! And "Run Like Hell" is awesome! I went to a Sevendust show that Kittie was playing (Kittie was the REAL reason I went; Sevendust was more of an added bonus), and the song sounds great. After you get that released to wherever, you should cover "Hazy Shade of Winter" by the Bangles. Or "I'm a Million" by the Runaways. Please?
Nevermind, don't listen to me. Next I'd be tellinREQUESTING you the cover a bunch of Billy Idol songs. I wrote a parody of "White Wedding" on my site; now it preaches about Kittie. I liked it. But then again, at 1:38 a.m. I'd think Ben Stein is funny. He was cool in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off," and the fact that he worked for Nixon makes him a demigod. But lately he's gotten the Howard Stern "f*** you" bug. The cur.
Argh! I got chocolate chip mint cookie crumbs in my keyboard. All right, I think I shook most of them out. If you haven't visited my site, I'd like to mention that it not only promotes and worships Kittie, but it also teaches people how to play the accordion. If you have visited my site, I apologize for lying, but at least you know how to play the accordion now.
I made this girl in my greek mythology class laugh by doing my Billy Idol impression for her. This is Kittie related because I was going to wear my Kittie shirt, but decided on my Bauhaus one instead. Which is weird because last week I was going to wear my Bauhaus shirt but decided on my Kittie one instead.
I'm speaking like a big monkey-bird. So keep your 'lectric eye on me, babe. Put your ray gun to my head. Press your space face close to mine, love. Freak out in a moonage daydream, oh yeah.
I've noticed that ever since your single "Brackish" came out, a lot of books that I've been reading lately have used the word. Like it just magically appeared or something. For example, I just finished reading the collected poems of E.E. Cummings. The guy is either a mad genius or a crack retard. His stuff is crazy; but it's some of the greatest surreal/abstract poetry I've ever read. And I have no life, so all I do is read books. A LOT of books. Wait, maybe E.E. Cummings wasn't a good example because he didn't use the word "brackish." But he's still worth mentioning.
ARGH!!!!! This Saturday Night Live special that featured all their past musical acts cut off Elvis Costello's song "Veronica." (curse words were edited out)!!!!!!! Yeah, I like Elvis Costello. My musical taste is very ecelectic. Everything from heavy metal to 60's folk to pop to whatever. My friends say it's because I can't make up my mind which genre to lean towards. But I showed them when I started wearing the same pair of jeans, a flannel shirt, and a band t-shirt every day. I also stopped bathing and combing my hair, which is pretty long. Now I'm grunge! Yuck. There's no noun for people who are grunge. It's the same thing with heavy metal. "Headbangers," maybe. But that's too broad a term. As the innovators of something that I can't make up right now, you should come up with a term to describe the fans.
"Shiloh when I was young, I used to call your name. When no else would come, Shiloh you always came. And you'd staaaaaaay."
It was probably a really bad idea to open this private e-mail address. Now youhave to handle insanity like this instead of letting someone less important handle it. Maybe I just shouldn't have written in the first place. But now that I've spent so much time on this e-mail, I don't really want to just get rid of it. Maybe I'll send it to Talena. Hmmmm . . .
On second thought, I'll send this to you and write a new one to Talena, just so you don't feel like I'm picking on you. Which I'm not doing. You could probably beat me up. No joke.
Oh! Now I remember what the purpose of this e-mail was! It was to tell you a quote by Gary Coleman. If you've heard this all ready, skip this paragraph. Or, better yet, don't. It wrecks the flow of the e-mail. And then chaos would result. Not anarchy, mind you. Just chaos. And it would be all your fault. Since I'd rather not blame the apocalypse on you, read on, ethereal soul. So, Gary Coleman rejects an off to do a television special for his old show, "Dif'frent Strokes." When asked why, he said, "Dif'frent Strokes must die, and it must die soon . . . I don't care if it's a bloody death, I don't care if it's a quiet death, just as long as it dies." LOLOLOLLOLOLOLOOLROTFLMFARTFO sammy davis jr had a glass eye Tom cruise is having an affair with ricky martin click here for naked pics of jenna elfman
Heh. Spirit of the internet. On a personal note, if Morgan were to suddenly die in a controversial manner that would tarnish her reputation forever, you'd be my favorite Kittie member. Don't be offended. Just be thankful you aren't the object of my homicidal obsession. And pray to whatever god you believe in that Morgan doesn't die while having sex with Gary Coleman.
Wow, this is long. Unless you maximize the e-mail, in which case it's not half as long as, um . . . well, a Fruit By The Foot. They have Pokemon on them now. And I'm convinced that if you were a Pokemon, you'd be Clefairy. Unless you're an acid freak, in which case you'd be Jigglypuff. ARE you an acid freak?
I just realized I wrote to the owner of a Kittie fansite (while requesting to be put on his/her links page) that I wrote, "My site shampoos Neptune in liquid carbon monoxide." I drink waaaaaaaaaaay too much caffeine. Another interesting thing is that ALL 27 sites I asked, rejected me. Quick stats: fifteen thought the "f" word was my name, six haven't even bothered to respond (even though they've all updated their sites since then), and one called me humanity's butt acne. I'm having second thoughts as to whether I should link you to my site or not.
After re-reading my site for the hundreth time, I realized my site is actually very funny. I'M #8 ON THE TOP 50 KITTIE SITES LIST!!!!! WHOO!!!!!! Although, I'm worried whether you'll like it or not. Because your opinion is the only one that matters. Well, Talena's opinion will matter, too, after I e-mail her. Until then, you're it. The final word. The big decision. Yay or nay, should my site be whacked. Eliminated. Rubbed out. Put to sleep with da fishes. And other mobster slang.
You should do more television appearences. Not the local stupid ones, but nationally broadcast stuff. I've worn out the section of my tape where you were on "Later." And if I have to sit through Cynthia Garrett's redundant stupidity one more, I swear: Bam! Zoom! To the moon!
I should end this. Kittie rules, you rule, and the burgers at Wendy's are fantastic! Even though their commercials suck.

Have a nice day,
-Trent